Reader Discretion Advised

EVENTS OF THE DAY:
1. Sawed off a man's skull.
2. Went to AsiaSF for Dine About Town with med school peeps for dinner tonight...this is a restaurant where all of the waitresses are transgender ladies
3. Had a very graphic/interesting conversation about heterosexual male sexual preferences from my favorite homosexual male at Stanford (well, maybe tied? there's two faves). Wtf, I thought I'd heard it all then he told me about "donkey punch" !?!!?

Needless to say, today has been quite an interesting day. Anatomy was slightly disturbing - not worse than the day we sawed off the legs for me but a very close second. The lab was filled with what looked like a combination of saw dust & parmesan cheese (sorry for the potentially inappropriate food reference...) while everyone was busy sawing through their skulls. The smell was really the worst part of it all...it was unexpected and unlike any other smell we've experience thus far in lab. The smoke from incinerating the bits of skin left on the skull is apparently why it smelled so...strangely?...and I really did not expect that. I put a mask on pronto. I tried to use the bone saw for a little bit in my group but I don't think I have enough upper body strength for it & having to try and force it only made the whole situation that much more real. I opted for skinning the skull instead (which I realize may not sound like a more humane task, but it really is). A few of the MD peeps posted about how incredible it is that someone would donate their body for this type of learning, which I fully agree with. They also said that they asked about how to donate their bodies after lab, which I still think I will never do. Totally down with someone else using my organs after I'm done with them but something about what we're doing to their bodies seems like you'd never be able to rest in peace. There were quite a few times in lab today where we had to turn him over to saw a specific part of his skull or look at this particular cranial nerve & since we still have his entire torso (as opposed to just his head, like most of the other groups) but only concerned with his head academically, it was impossible to flip him over without his intestines falling out one way or his heart rolling across the table. I don't think it's so much a religious/moral issue for me with donating my body to science as it is how I'd like to treat any prized possession I've had my entire life. If someone else wanted to take my favorite piece of jewelry or pair of jeans & wear them after I was done, I'd be okay with that. I wouldn't want them to just hack it up to see what the insides look like? Meh, different strokes for different folks...

Again, DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS! AsiaSF was very very interesting...the girls were mostly in amazing shape. Makes a girl want to work out! (maybe) One of the girls had apparently just gotten the final shebang so there were lots of references to "the grand opening" and the fact she had "an extra pair of lips". Gahhhh so caught off guard! Fun night though, even though the food wasn't super super delicious. I'm sure there will be pics on fb soon ;)

Sex is such a weird thing. Right? I understand it's basic to human survival or whatever but I think I have such a strange group of friends that I'm never quite sure how to feel about it as a conversation topic. I have two, maybe three, distinct groups of friends when it comes to sexual opinions - (1) Sex is bad/morally wrong-ish before marriage. (2) Sex is good. It happens. People probably shouldn't discuss it publicly and/or enjoy it too much though. (3) Sex is a-m-a-z-i-n-g!!! Do wild crazy unimaginable, possibly illegal things.

I think moving from a small town (Stockbridge) to a more liberal town (Athens), and then from the South (Georgia) to the West Coast (Cali) is really a study in the breadth of sexual opinions. I think my initial high school discussions of sex were pretty frank...I was friends with girls who were pretty much in the same sexual boat, with us all having our first serious boyfriends (I think?) and figuring out what sex meant & what our boundaries were and how far we could push things with still living in our parents' houses. My parents had never really talked to me about sex & with a shockingly pregnant sister in the house senior year of high school, there was really no time to discuss these types of things with la madre. Great. Fast-forward to freshman year at UGA, where I had this really serious boyfriend & mostly single friends, and all of a sudden I was the most experienced one among the people I hung out with. Huh!? I remember being really uncomfortable with that, and feeling the need to lie because I was still confused about a lot of sexual things when there was no one to discuss it with. Then I was relatively single for junior & senior year of undergrad when a lot of my friends decided it was a good time to get into their first serious relationships. I think there's some disadvantages to doing this later in young adulthood but I think one major advantage of starting to think about what your sexuality means in college is that for the most part, you have the freedom to do so. There aren't really any boundaries or rules you're supposed to follow. Which there definitely are in high school. (Momma's rhetoric was something like the guy's from the Mean Girls - "Don't have sex because you will get pregnant and you will die. Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't it!! Promise?) I think a lot of my friends are much more liberated when it comes to their opinions on sex because of that. But then I'm also still friends with a few prudes (teeheehee) so I'm never sure exactly where I fit in that spectrum. Who knows man?? No one has a "normal" opinion on sex, I'm just always surprised to hear new sides of the people in my life that I thought I knew pretty well.

Um, I think that's it? There was a new pairing within the med school class that I found out about today that is...surprising. People are all about the hooking up right now. I had a nice thought yesterday, which is that I'm pretty happily single. Because if a really amazing guy came along tomorrow, I really wouldn't have any time to spend on him or with him. Then he'd probably be sad, and who would want the amazing guy to be sad?? I told one of my friends today that it'd be perfect if he came along right after I took qualifying exams next year. She reminded me that I can't exactly plan these things...I did have a moment of missing Brien (Boston Brien, not home Brian obviii) last night because we got along so so well & always laughed together. I'd be okay with him coming back after he got his stuff together & I passed quals ;) I really am starting to appreciate the importance of balance in my life & what that looks like and (sort of) how to get there from where I am now. I think it's a really hard thing, and something you have to work at consciously every day. That's more of what I'm trying to do this quarter & hopefully it will only go up from here. So far, so good

Happy Wednesday!! <3

WTF

I'm pretty sure guys think I'm stupid. Just gchatted with Most Recent (Older) Georgia Guy & I think he's fooled himself into believing that he put in 100% effort when I was in GA. And that we're going to be together since he was so good to me. That would be great!

...except he wasn't nice. WTF?! I didn't forget about the millions of times you didn't text me back or do what you said you would when I was in Athens. Unfortunately for you, I'm not slow & not really forgetful. Don't understand men!!!

In other news, I love lab. Poppa Williams is doing okay. Biochem final on Monday. My girls are coming to visit Cali in a couple of weeks!! Finally got my new bookbag in the mail. I won a $50 iTunes gift card! Most of those things (i.e, not the biochem final but everything else)=Happy Jazz. Love being happy jazz :)

Off to study AKA make a cheat sheet since that's what our profs want us to do for this final. I think it's silly...I'll post a pic of one of my cheat sheets when I'm done. It's muy intricate.

<3

It's Friday?!

The weekends feel so much different here - we're either going out like crazy (see last week's party bus trip to San Fran) or planning to spend our lives studying in LKSC. I think this weekend may be a more balanced one. Today has been a great day...review session this morning, one class, lunch w/ the Black Graduate Students' Association (BGSA), nap, studying, Q&A session with my regular group + 2, dinner with one of my favorite guys in the class (there were two guys there, but I especially love one) & going to see The Social Network in a couple of hours.

I really loved the dinner conversation I had tonight with my previously mentioned amazing friend...he's from Georgia as well (Conyers, actually) & went to Harvard for undergrad & really interested in neuroscience-y things. So he told me about this research that he's getting set up to work with prisoners & the idea that their reward systems have been completely skewed their entire lives so their pleasure now hinges on the actual acquisition of material goods (i.e, the thrill is no longer in the chase like it is for a lot of people). He also told me about some cool neuro studies they've done with decision making & the idea that your conscious decision is made after the neurological processes to enact that decision has already been triggered. Blablabla science jargon, but basically that threatens the idea of free will. Right? We think we're deciding but the decision is made & the set of stimuli that go into making that decision are actually the decisive agent, not you as an autonomous individual.

I guess this stuck with me for two reasons -
1) I am absolutely in admiration of people who are incorporating all their passions into their careers. I think it's amazing & amazingly difficult to do. There are so many things I'm interested in (advances in cancer research, incorporation of faith into treatment regimes, women's issues, how to promote minority access to the latest developments in health, a few other things I think) & I don't know how to begin working that into my graduate training. Of course you're meant to use this 4(..5..6?) years to really become a good scientist & to learn how to think, which is critical. But I also want to think about how to live a completely fulfilled life, and I think incorporating all your passions into your work (which I think defines your life's purpose in a lot of ways, or at least it should) is essential for that. So the conversation made me think towards how I can do that for myself.
2) If free will is a rational reaction to human existence (like I think religion is in a lot of ways), then feeling guilty is pointless! Small fact, I know, but that combined with a few other conversations I've had this week was a really interesting thought.

Said friend (his name is Mark, I feel like I should maybe stop calling him friend) also helped me untangle some of the things I've been thinking about a particular guy. He's super perceptive & really interested in human behavior (hence the neuro stuff) so I told him about everything that's been happening with this guy & was more honest than I think I've been with anything else about why I've been reacting certain ways and he helped me get down to the roots of my behavior. Bleh! Scary, but necessary. Love that guy ;)

Alsoooo the lunch with BGSA was really nice...that's something that I kind of avoided in undergrad for a lot of reasons (mostly for the effect that has on your social network & how much you have to consider your "reputation") but it's definitely something I want to get involved with more here. I met a few cool people but just like a lot of these introductory events I've been going to, people tended to stick around the people they already knew. Which is totally fine & reasonable but it makes it difficult to get to know people who aren't in the School of Medicine. I love my classmates but...I need more people. LOL

Mm I think that's it? Really loving my hip-hop class...the freedom & distraction of movement is a nice complement to the tedium of classes. Plus a great workout! My abs have been sore for two weeks straight..I'm also going to get my hair done in San Fran tomorrow & really hoping it doesn't fall out. Bald Jazz <<<< Jazz with hair

Time for ze movieee! Interesting too, since Mark Zuckerberg can't live more than 15 minutes away from me & I'm going to see a movie about his life. Weird stuff

Miss you people! <3