So finals did NOT go so well...everything is going to work out fine, but I'm just bummed that I didn't do as well as I thought I did right after the final. I went in to talk to one of my professors from mini-quarter (i.e, the one we just ended) & it was a really great talk that made me think a lot about how the person I am affects how I approach academics. I had never really talked one-on-one with him...I think that's also something I wish I had learned more in undergrad - I never learned how to talk with the professors I was actually taking classes with. I knew a lot of the faculty in the Honors program & really got along well with them but never got over the professor/student barrier in my classes.
We talked through a lot of things in the meeting & it was nice to hear his impression of me...he's a very relatable professor & he said that I seemed like an outgoing person who could potentially be a role model for a lot of people. He also said that he thinks I was the type to have a lot of friends in undergrad? (He also said he thought I would be in a sorority, which was definitely off) I think I took it for granted when people would say that type of stuff in GA but it was nice to hear from a really well-established professor here. It's also nice to feel like there are people here who are really invested in my success when there are a million other things they could be doing. I love Stanford :)
We also got down to what I think is the source of a lot of stress for me: I've never really learned how to ask for help? I'm not really that great at showing weaknesses either. I feel like I'm okay with admitting character or personality flaws (like how I'm not great at sustained human contact, I tend to make weird noises & voices, blablabla) but I have a hard time owning up to the things that I haven't quite figured out on my own yet. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with how I've been raised & the person that I am regardless of my environment but it's tough to fix. I need to learn how to ask questions more often without feeling dumb for not knowing every single answer. As he said (& I definitely agree), it will make me a better scientist and a better human being. It was also nice to hear from him that he thought I'd done really well here so far with adjusting after moving to the other side of the country & also the constructive criticism he had with moving forward in this next quarter. Hopefully I'll make some major improvements :) My goals are to try and be even more organized & to not feel pressured to study with the people I've become close with because they might not be the best study partners. It's a work in progress!
I am really fortunate though to feel so comfortable with a lot of the people here...one of my closest friends here has been feeling really homesick lately & I can't imagine what that would be like on top of all the stress with classes. So thankful for the people I'm close with! I think feeling a million times more comfortable with myself now has made the adjustment here much easier than the adjustment during freshman year of undergrad...WHAT.A.MESS.!!
As for the fun side of things - the party bus was RIDICULOUS! Holy moly, never in my life have I experienced such craziness. It was so nice hanging out with everyone & getting to share 1/3 of my birthday weekend with some amazing people. There were definitely some interesting moments with members of the opposite sex - I had SOOO much fun dancing with one of the guys that I hadn't really gotten to know before the trip but I don't think there's any attraction there. I will be requesting that he dances with me at every single event from now on though ;) I also had a weird conversation with one of the guys I initially had a crush on about "the last guy I dated"...I think the conversation was actually about if we could date each other? Strangest thing, I get so confused when there's a conversation that I'm actually having with a person and an entirely different subtext going on. Too much thinking!! I also got to hang out more with one guy that I really want to be close friends with (who also turns out to be a great snuggler, which is a huge bonus) & another guy that really confuses me/doesn't say words. People do say words when they're intoxicated though regardless of how shy they are so I got more information out of him about why he's taking a little bit longer to adjust to life out here. I wanted to try & be friends with him but that's too hard so...we can just be party friends. He's close friends with the snuggler though so maybe I'll make them food...I love being a veg out here but sometimes I think the crazy eating does not go over well for boys. Southern food is universal!! It still surprises me how many people really want to be in a relationship right now though...so not ready for that! I barely have enough free time for myself...
The rest of the birthday weekend was also really great...we went out to eat for dinner at this ramen place (RAMEN IS SO MUCH BETTER WHEN IT'S NOT IN A PACKAGE PEOPLE!!) followed up by boba. These are my absolute obsessions now. It was nice to have people celebrate with me - I've never really had a big group of people go somewhere with me to celebrate my birthday & there were 20 people at dinner! That's like 25% of our class, I felt so loved :) Also one of the girls in my Masters' program got me the cutest little gifts that I'm pretty sure are directly from China...I felt bad though because her birthday was last Sunday (the 19th) but she didn't tell anyone because of finals. I've been making a special effort to talk to her because I think she's a little bit more shy with moving here so recently & also with the slight language barrier. She does have a boyfriend though which I just found out, how saucy!!
Mm last thing before the end-of-night study time - I'm taking a hip hop class! I love it & that's one of the things that I really wanted to do when I got out here. I'm happy I'm following through on that & my vegetarian ways. Anyways, miss you all! Thanks for all the birthday voicemails & love...phone calls have become way too stressful so I hope this will be an acceptable alternative.
<3
Oh PS: My first quote in a Stanford publication- click here!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Made it through finals!!
(And I think I passed too...)
A special shoutout to all the people who let me have a mini-breakdown with them this week :)
Lessons learned from mini-quarter:
1. Med school is hard.
2. Med school is doable.
3. Stress makes people crazy (myself included, though only temporarily!)
4. I'm actually nocturnal.
5. Comparing myself to other people is worthless.
The stress of finals definitely helped me understand who people really are here...which is helpful, but sometimes frightening. There is already a small group of potheads?! (I guess this is NorCal...) I was talking to one of my friends in the car last night on the way to boba & she seemed impressed with how well I'd gotten to know a few people here. I really like having deep conversations...and I think if I kept things superficial with everyone here for too long, I'd definitely feel far from home & all my closest friends. Plus, I made a promise to myself before I came here that I'd be completely honest about who I am with people from the start & I think if you do that with people you meet, you find you have a lot more in common that you would have anticipated. So I have definitely started becoming closer to people already, which is great.
My birthday is Sunday, yesss!! I couldn't have been born at a more perfect time. :) To celebrate finals being done & the three birthdays, we're taking a party bus up to San Francisco tonight! There will be bodyguards & anatomically correct desserts involved...this may be the biggest birthday celebration I've ever experienced? We also have a lab coat ceremony tonight which should be cute. Goal for the night? STAY.ALIVE.!! I think some people will have trouble with this...
Anywho, off to go shopping & figure out a place to get my hair done! More updates to come :)
A special shoutout to all the people who let me have a mini-breakdown with them this week :)
Lessons learned from mini-quarter:
1. Med school is hard.
2. Med school is doable.
3. Stress makes people crazy (myself included, though only temporarily!)
4. I'm actually nocturnal.
5. Comparing myself to other people is worthless.
The stress of finals definitely helped me understand who people really are here...which is helpful, but sometimes frightening. There is already a small group of potheads?! (I guess this is NorCal...) I was talking to one of my friends in the car last night on the way to boba & she seemed impressed with how well I'd gotten to know a few people here. I really like having deep conversations...and I think if I kept things superficial with everyone here for too long, I'd definitely feel far from home & all my closest friends. Plus, I made a promise to myself before I came here that I'd be completely honest about who I am with people from the start & I think if you do that with people you meet, you find you have a lot more in common that you would have anticipated. So I have definitely started becoming closer to people already, which is great.
My birthday is Sunday, yesss!! I couldn't have been born at a more perfect time. :) To celebrate finals being done & the three birthdays, we're taking a party bus up to San Francisco tonight! There will be bodyguards & anatomically correct desserts involved...this may be the biggest birthday celebration I've ever experienced? We also have a lab coat ceremony tonight which should be cute. Goal for the night? STAY.ALIVE.!! I think some people will have trouble with this...
Anywho, off to go shopping & figure out a place to get my hair done! More updates to come :)
So earthquakes are real?
Recent Stanford email:
"Dear Stanford student,
On Thursday, October 7, Stanford University will conduct an emergency evacuation exercise for the entire campus. We will simulate the immediate response to an earthquake and practice evacuation procedures, as well as accounting for students.
By request of the President and Provost, students, staff and faculty are expected to participate wherever you are when the exercise starts. Here's what will happen:
The AlertSU outdoor sirens will sound for 45 seconds to signal the beginning of the exercise at some point during the day, however the exact start time is not going to be published to add an element of surprise.
You should "Duck, Cover and Hold" (take cover under a desk or other furniture which would protect you from falling debris in an earthquake) until the siren stops.
Evacuate and proceed to the local Emergency Assembly Point (EAP) for the building you're in with others who are present and check in with your class faculty/instructor or residence staff who are there.
You will receive an AlertSU message (by cell, email and text) during the exercise requesting a response. Be sure to listen to the full message and follow the verbal prompts on your phone and report your location electronically as well as checking in at your building EAP.
If you are not in class or in your residence during the exercise, be sure to participate by responding to the AlertSU message by fully listening to the phone call and responding to the prompts.
You can find more information about the October 7 emergency exercise, including a list of campus building EAPs, at: http://evacdrill.stanford.edu
We understand that this exercise will interrupt your normal activity, but it's important that we all understand and practice how to react and respond following an earthquake. Thank you for your cooperation."
(I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH AN EARTHQUAKE!! They don't even have tornado drills here, what?!)
"Dear Stanford student,
On Thursday, October 7, Stanford University will conduct an emergency evacuation exercise for the entire campus. We will simulate the immediate response to an earthquake and practice evacuation procedures, as well as accounting for students.
By request of the President and Provost, students, staff and faculty are expected to participate wherever you are when the exercise starts. Here's what will happen:
The AlertSU outdoor sirens will sound for 45 seconds to signal the beginning of the exercise at some point during the day, however the exact start time is not going to be published to add an element of surprise.
You should "Duck, Cover and Hold" (take cover under a desk or other furniture which would protect you from falling debris in an earthquake) until the siren stops.
Evacuate and proceed to the local Emergency Assembly Point (EAP) for the building you're in with others who are present and check in with your class faculty/instructor or residence staff who are there.
You will receive an AlertSU message (by cell, email and text) during the exercise requesting a response. Be sure to listen to the full message and follow the verbal prompts on your phone and report your location electronically as well as checking in at your building EAP.
If you are not in class or in your residence during the exercise, be sure to participate by responding to the AlertSU message by fully listening to the phone call and responding to the prompts.
You can find more information about the October 7 emergency exercise, including a list of campus building EAPs, at: http://evacdrill.stanford.edu
We understand that this exercise will interrupt your normal activity, but it's important that we all understand and practice how to react and respond following an earthquake. Thank you for your cooperation."
(I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH AN EARTHQUAKE!! They don't even have tornado drills here, what?!)
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Cancer Research & Ethics (& Religion)
We had a patient in my class this morning who was terminally ill, suffering from gastric & esophageal cancers. He raised a lot of important questions for me that I think are necessary to consider - either as a compassionate physician or as a scientist interested in researching human disease. Patient X (I'll call him) had been through several rounds of chemo & eventually decided to stop his treatment in favor of preserving his quality of life through hospice care, though this decision may (or may not) have reduced the amount of life he has left. We read a really interesting article in preparation for the class that I think everyone should read...it doesn't have too much science mumbo jumbo & helped me think about a lot of the ideas I have about death and the role of human disease in society. (go here if you're interested: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/08/02/100802fa_fact_gawande) The author is fantastic and this article in combination with the patient session today really helped me confront my motivations for becoming a scientist and particularly a scientist interested in eradicating a human disease.
I haven't exactly figured out my religious beliefs (constantly a work in progress) but I can't help but think that cancer is by no means an accident. It may be a byproduct of our nutrition, environmental toxins, some divine means of affecting the human population, an extreme symptom of mental and physical imbalance... Who knows? But who's to say that cancer was meant to be cured for everyone? Or at all? Patient X in class today had really lived a full life - having essentially two careers & eventually reuniting with a past love who he will likely spend his last days with. How would that be considered anything other than glorious? It breaks my heart that the woman will end up having to experience life without him (something she admitted seemed completely impossible in the present) but his disease has helped them to really value every moment together. It's almost as if the cancer complemented his life somehow? And maybe even hers...He was also largely asymptomatic so the cancer had physically affected him in relatively minor ways.
If that all can be true in cases like his, then why would I even want to pursue cancer research as a lifetime goal? (the question I'm asking myself in class as this man is talking) I do believe that science should and inevitably does have some limit to the things it can accomplish...so how do we as scientists know where and how to make appropriate advances in human health? I think my motivation is all the times when it seems like cancer has robbed the world of something it still really needed, mothers & children especially. I can't reconcile that with any sort of belief I have (or maybe have, more accurately) in a higher being. So much to consider!
Side note too: I think this is why Stanford is such a remarkable institution...way past the name or the reputation, I think our classes are challenging in a way that is rare among institutions of higher education. It really forces you to integrate issues of your chosen career & your personal beliefs, which I think makes for more holistic contributors to society. Just another reason why i love it here - besides palm trees, iPads & brilliant people :) I wish everyone could have an equally amazing education...which reminds me of this new movie called Waiting for Superman that's coming out next week. Here's the trailer (http://www.waitingforsuperman.com/trailer), it raises some really interesting issues about disparities in K-12 education.
Blahhh sorry for all the intellectual explosion! I'd love to hear all of your thoughts :) I'm supposed to meeting someone right now to study...just needed to get this down somewhere.
LOVESIES!
I haven't exactly figured out my religious beliefs (constantly a work in progress) but I can't help but think that cancer is by no means an accident. It may be a byproduct of our nutrition, environmental toxins, some divine means of affecting the human population, an extreme symptom of mental and physical imbalance... Who knows? But who's to say that cancer was meant to be cured for everyone? Or at all? Patient X in class today had really lived a full life - having essentially two careers & eventually reuniting with a past love who he will likely spend his last days with. How would that be considered anything other than glorious? It breaks my heart that the woman will end up having to experience life without him (something she admitted seemed completely impossible in the present) but his disease has helped them to really value every moment together. It's almost as if the cancer complemented his life somehow? And maybe even hers...He was also largely asymptomatic so the cancer had physically affected him in relatively minor ways.
If that all can be true in cases like his, then why would I even want to pursue cancer research as a lifetime goal? (the question I'm asking myself in class as this man is talking) I do believe that science should and inevitably does have some limit to the things it can accomplish...so how do we as scientists know where and how to make appropriate advances in human health? I think my motivation is all the times when it seems like cancer has robbed the world of something it still really needed, mothers & children especially. I can't reconcile that with any sort of belief I have (or maybe have, more accurately) in a higher being. So much to consider!
Side note too: I think this is why Stanford is such a remarkable institution...way past the name or the reputation, I think our classes are challenging in a way that is rare among institutions of higher education. It really forces you to integrate issues of your chosen career & your personal beliefs, which I think makes for more holistic contributors to society. Just another reason why i love it here - besides palm trees, iPads & brilliant people :) I wish everyone could have an equally amazing education...which reminds me of this new movie called Waiting for Superman that's coming out next week. Here's the trailer (http://www.waitingforsuperman.com/trailer), it raises some really interesting issues about disparities in K-12 education.
Blahhh sorry for all the intellectual explosion! I'd love to hear all of your thoughts :) I'm supposed to meeting someone right now to study...just needed to get this down somewhere.
LOVESIES!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Also...
These are pretty much all of my favorite girls here! We went out to a billiards place last Friday before the fateful email from my professor...Left to right: Natasha, Swetha, Rachel, Alison*, Leanne, Tania*, Jasmaine**, Dani*, Diana, Stacie
* indicates special faves
** indicates me, in case you've forgotten what I look like already :)
I haven't gotten to know Natasha, Swetha, Rachel, Diana & Stacie super well yet but they're all sweethearts so far! The boys are the weird ones in our class...seriously. PS I love boba/bubble tea so much!!! It's my new food obsession
So THIS is what they meant when they said med school was hard...
It's been a rough few days here in Cali...I just saw my roommate for the first time since Saturday (fail).
I was proud of myself for doing pretty well in one of my classes BUT after the prof released the quiz results for the quarter on Friday, it turns out that everyone else is doing better. Awesome. I think Billie Jean King (tennis player & generally awesome human being) & the Brits had it right...
"No matter how tough, no matter what kind of outside pressure, no matter how many bad breaks along the way, I must keep my sights on the final goal, to win, win, win - and with more love and passion than the world has witnessed in any performance" .
"KEEP CALM & CARRY ON"
I had the typical feelings of doubt on Friday when I got the professor's email (why am I pushing myself to take these med school classes when I could just be working on my PhD alone? Am I cut out to compete with all these brilliant people with Ivy League backgrounds?? blablabla) I had a talk with one of the TA's after a review session today that made me feel 1000% better though. Basically, he just reminded me to consider why I'm doing what I'm doing right now versus why many of the medical students are doing what they're doing right now (i.e, I'm taking these classes as a complement to my graduate education & should approach them as such...many of the med students need to be the top students in the class so they can specialize in whatever they choose. It's a completely different mindset) I need to remember that & work on mastering the material for myself so that I can understand the clinical implications of research. THAT'S THE POINT. If I'm pushing myself and meeting my own goals, that's what really matters. Competition is really futile in my situation, though I think it's pretty much unavoidable.
In that same vein, pass/fail is completely pointless here. We still have numerical grades & professors still release quiz/test results to the entire class. Pass/fail is the only thing that goes on your transcript but numbers matter everywhere else. Basically, you need to be making an A either way. I think the system is just another selling point, along with the palm trees & free iPads (both of which I am totally appreciative of...)
Anywho, that's about all for now...I literally feel like my brain is going to explode with the amount of information in it. There are such long words in my head right now like coracobrachialis and musculocutaneous nerve. Attractive, right? ;)
ADIOS AMIGOS!!
PS: Weird/awesome part of the day - I got an email this morning saying that I had been selected for an NIH grant here? I can't tell if it's for all the Masters in Medicine peeps (which would be totally feasible, except everyone else I asked about it knew nothing) or if I'm actually 1% special. Verdict coming tomorrow morning after my meeting to sign the papers...
I was proud of myself for doing pretty well in one of my classes BUT after the prof released the quiz results for the quarter on Friday, it turns out that everyone else is doing better. Awesome. I think Billie Jean King (tennis player & generally awesome human being) & the Brits had it right...
"No matter how tough, no matter what kind of outside pressure, no matter how many bad breaks along the way, I must keep my sights on the final goal, to win, win, win - and with more love and passion than the world has witnessed in any performance" .
"KEEP CALM & CARRY ON"
I had the typical feelings of doubt on Friday when I got the professor's email (why am I pushing myself to take these med school classes when I could just be working on my PhD alone? Am I cut out to compete with all these brilliant people with Ivy League backgrounds?? blablabla) I had a talk with one of the TA's after a review session today that made me feel 1000% better though. Basically, he just reminded me to consider why I'm doing what I'm doing right now versus why many of the medical students are doing what they're doing right now (i.e, I'm taking these classes as a complement to my graduate education & should approach them as such...many of the med students need to be the top students in the class so they can specialize in whatever they choose. It's a completely different mindset) I need to remember that & work on mastering the material for myself so that I can understand the clinical implications of research. THAT'S THE POINT. If I'm pushing myself and meeting my own goals, that's what really matters. Competition is really futile in my situation, though I think it's pretty much unavoidable.
In that same vein, pass/fail is completely pointless here. We still have numerical grades & professors still release quiz/test results to the entire class. Pass/fail is the only thing that goes on your transcript but numbers matter everywhere else. Basically, you need to be making an A either way. I think the system is just another selling point, along with the palm trees & free iPads (both of which I am totally appreciative of...)
Anywho, that's about all for now...I literally feel like my brain is going to explode with the amount of information in it. There are such long words in my head right now like coracobrachialis and musculocutaneous nerve. Attractive, right? ;)
ADIOS AMIGOS!!
PS: Weird/awesome part of the day - I got an email this morning saying that I had been selected for an NIH grant here? I can't tell if it's for all the Masters in Medicine peeps (which would be totally feasible, except everyone else I asked about it knew nothing) or if I'm actually 1% special. Verdict coming tomorrow morning after my meeting to sign the papers...
Monday, September 6, 2010
Phew...
So things have DEFINITELY picked up here, as evidenced by the decline in returned phone calls & blog posts. I still love you all! We have finals in a couple of weeks so everyone is starting to raise their stress level. I feel like I'm appropriately worried...there's been a healthy balance of me doing well on some of the quizzes/other random benchmarks to bring my confidence level up and not well enough on others to keep me feverishly studying. I guess it's a good thing? I'm so fortunate to be in this particular med school class - everyone is very open to different career paths and interests which is good because I obviously don't have the exact same end career goal in mind as many of them do, though our excitement about really helping humanity is (I think) the same. Also, most people are so sweet! & hilarious AND accepting of me doing weird voices which is really critical. ;)
One conversation I had last night at LKSC (Li Ka Shing Center, I'll post a pic of this beautiful new building at the end) really struck me...there are so many people who are anxious to be in a relationship! There's a relatively large portion of the class who are in very serious relationships or married and then another big group who really want to be in a relationship. It's an interesting dynamic...every time we go out, someone in our class has inevitably done something scandalous with someone ELSE in our class. Madness! I don't think I feel that same compulsion to be in a relationship just yet...and I don't know if I should? Maybe it's due to the fact that I've been meeting crazy men and am not anxious to do that again (!!!) or that I just don't have the tendency to feel lonely. I really want to get my life settled first and figure out a great balance before I bring anyone else in. Maybe that's just how I feel today though, things are always subject to change.
I'm so glad we have this Labor Day weekend...it's a good time to catch up on work/life things. I have a conference with all the Cancer Biology PhD's this week so I'll finally get to know them & hopefully have rave reviews as well. I miss you guys! Keep sending me emails/comments :)
Lovelovelove,
Jazz
PS: This is LKSC!--> http://www.flickr.com/photos/stanfordedtech/4455863978/in/set-72157623863417394/
One conversation I had last night at LKSC (Li Ka Shing Center, I'll post a pic of this beautiful new building at the end) really struck me...there are so many people who are anxious to be in a relationship! There's a relatively large portion of the class who are in very serious relationships or married and then another big group who really want to be in a relationship. It's an interesting dynamic...every time we go out, someone in our class has inevitably done something scandalous with someone ELSE in our class. Madness! I don't think I feel that same compulsion to be in a relationship just yet...and I don't know if I should? Maybe it's due to the fact that I've been meeting crazy men and am not anxious to do that again (!!!) or that I just don't have the tendency to feel lonely. I really want to get my life settled first and figure out a great balance before I bring anyone else in. Maybe that's just how I feel today though, things are always subject to change.
I'm so glad we have this Labor Day weekend...it's a good time to catch up on work/life things. I have a conference with all the Cancer Biology PhD's this week so I'll finally get to know them & hopefully have rave reviews as well. I miss you guys! Keep sending me emails/comments :)
Lovelovelove,
Jazz
PS: This is LKSC!--> http://www.flickr.com/photos/stanfordedtech/4455863978/in/set-72157623863417394/
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