So I finally started in lab this week :) *the big jazz smile* I love love love it! I'm getting to do flow cytometry, which is a technique that I've been wanting to master. I love how much it equally requires precision & an understanding of exactly what you're looking for and why. BIG PICTURE: I'm working on a study with end-stage breast cancer patients where their sleep patterns are being monitored over the course of 24 hours. The thought is that your circadian rhythms & immune system are intimately intertwined & that by monitoring these patients (along with "normal" patients), we'll be able to quantify how & when these patterns are disturbed along the course of their individual diseases. Sad part though - in order to really understand the predictive capacity & complicated relationships of all the markers we're looking at, I'm pretty sure the patients would have to die :( I don't understand nearly everything yet, and we OBVIOUSLY hope that everyone lives (& the physicians are doing everything they can to make sure that's the case), but that is a sad and inevitable part of science/life. I'm pretty sure the goal is to understand these patterns & later to learn how to manipulate them in order to avoid the sucky part of cancer (death). I'm really interested in quality of life issues too though so I'm curious to see where that fits in...
It's basically the kind of work that I want to drown myself in & I really hope I start to understand every intricacy of the data & biology behind it. Unfortunately, life in medical school does not allow for that. This is the small part of me that just wishes I was doing graduate school things...I'd only be taking two classes & able to really jump into research. I still am really happy that I'm doing the MoM program-it will help me understand all the clinical correlations for our research which I think is necessary. Just sucks that I don't have more time...
In other news, I had a very strange epiphany/feeling/realization last night that I realize might sound like "jazz hates men" but I think it's actually a rational one. Or a protective one, maybe. But it's not coming from a bitter place. I think I've come to the conclusion that I would be okay with being a single woman forever.
Would I miss snuggles & kisses? Yes.
Would I miss lies? No.
I'm just not sure that I believe that I could/will find a guy who I am insanely attracted to, completely honest with, & totally in love with the person that he actually is. AND who would be worth investing in. It seems improbable. I've had a lot of high hopes for a lot of guys & it's exhausting. I don't think it's worth it to invest all this energy in a person to eventually be let down. I don't think that has anything to do with any of the guys individually being inherently bad people but maybe it has to do with all men. Or all people (I haven't been in a relationship with a chica, so I can't speak to that...) I feel like your attention & energy is much better spent elsewhere (curing cancer? dancing? learning new hobbies? anything) than fervently hoping that the perfect man will come along & trying to make every guy into "THE ONE". It's silly & when I think about my life and how I want it to go, I feel like I'd be incredibly happy with being an amazing scientist, an influential professor, an awesome aunt, a loyal friend, a caring sister, a good daughter, (a dog-owner?) & maybe even a great mom (we learned about in-vitro this week...haven't fully decided on that yet). But I don't feel like I really NEED to be a girlfriend/fiance/wife.
All these thoughts stemmed from a conversation about relationships last night with some med school amigos, & I can see that a lot of people really want or maybe even need that in their lives. I'm not sure that I do. I like the feeling of having crushes on guys but I recognize that I'm a difficult lady to be with. I think most guys who end up being attracted to me realize that too...they always say "oh you're the perfect woman", "I don't understand why guys aren't treating you like a princess" and so on but they never actually do it themselves...? I am ambitious & selfish & irrational & crazy and lots of other complicated, random things. & it doesn't scare me that I would never get married. I think that frightens a lot of people. So maybe I should just tap out of the relationship race and let another (lonelier?) girl take the guy that I would eventually end up settling down with. Who knows? Just my recent thoughts...
LAST THING - there is a party tonight that is going to be C-R-A-Z-Y. There is $200+ worth of alcohol in MarkyMark's room right now & I am nervous to see what is going to happen with everyone's livers. And bodies. There was a breach of a certain med student's relationship contract at the last party in Mark's room so we'll see what happens tonight. I'm just excited to dance (mostly with Mark, who likes boys? bahaaaa) I don't know when I started to like dancing (I never went out "dancing" in GA & I even wrote about how I didn't really like it in some post on here) but it's a great stress reliever now and I have tons of fun with Mark. So I'll be there in a couple of hours & hopefully alive tomorrow morning. Someone check on that in about 16 hours...
Anyways, miss you all!! <3
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